The Sun has Set

Witnessing the breakup of my friends’ marriages has always grieved me deeply. I always felt the loss was far further reaching than the immediate family unit. As each partnership broke up I would feel shattered and torn in my loyalties to the couple, their children, their extended family and the community. I always felt gutted. Each divorce was rather like a death for me. I guess it is a death of the old way and a birth of a whole new paradigm. It’s funny how we cling to familiarity and wanting to keep things the same. I selfishly wished my friends could have found a way to make it work and stay together.

I have always been one who fights and perseveres until I triumph, so committed to my vision and intended outcome. I don’t believe in quitting. I don’t believe in failure. I also don’t believe in relationships being romantic and perfect. I believe relationships are our mirrors testing and challenging us to face our weaknesses and to grow up.

I internalised each divorce and wrestled with questions about whether it is better to sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of your children and the community. I enquired of myself whether the lessons you come together to learn in partnership ever come to an end. I had this nagging notion that divorce is quitting or giving up. I observed the gridlock situation where the two parties no longer chose to co-create and journey side-by-side. I accepted that the subsequent divergence of the two as entirely separate entities was inevitable.

My friends’ divorces challenged me to make the choice to remain equanimous, neither favouring one spouse nor the other. I have always advocated that there are many sides to each separation and that until you have walked each of the warring party’s paths you cannot judge. I always thought I was scrupulously unbiased and non-judgemental in choosing sides, however I am human and obviously did hold an opinion, which I tried to keep under wraps. I tried my best to show my love and support to both parties, even if I didn’t understand the reasons for the breakup.  

So, it is with absolute humility, that I now find myself in the situation I have witnessed from the side lines many times before. I am separating from the man to whom I have been married for over a quarter of a century.

It is a sensitive place of adjustment for myself and for everyone around me. I am acutely aware of the division amongst friends as they wrestle with their own fears and opinions. I feel the victimisation of those who have chosen to blame me for the breakup. I feel sad for the loss of the family unit for my two grown up sons. I feel for our friends and extended family, but I know that I have to be true to myself and my life purpose. I realise that my journey with my former life partner has come to a fork in the road and there is no way of continuing our journey together. One of us would have to sacrifice ourselves to walk the other’s walk and that is just incomprehensible.

As the sun sets on my marriage of 26 and a half years I wish to acknowledge all the good times we shared and pause in gratitude for the lessons that our relationship taught me. I emerge from the separation - stronger, wiser and assured that my choices today are informing my future.

I wish to leave you with this thought -  “In every beginning there is an inherent ending.”

May you be well!

Love

Nicolette