New Year

I don’t know about you, but I can feel an insurmountable build up of stagnant, dead energy that is furiously trying to force its way on humanity. It feels like a great tsunami is about to burst forth. Can you feel it?

Am I alone?

 I feel like the old energy is finding its way to my shores. And by the way we are heading for Bali in 3 days time and the family have been forewarned that should they notice the shoreline receding, they are to head instantaneously for higher ground.

I am soooo ready to climb to higher ground.

I feel the only way to avoid inevitable toxic submergence is to raise ourselves up and start to listen.

 We need to follow our intuition.  Now is a time of huge change. We need to listen to the signs. We need to keep our ears to the ground like the wild animals and be receptive to the smallest of changes.

Surprisingly, as we usher in the end of yet another linear year, I honestly can’t say that I feel the closure of one event and the beginning of another. I feel rather, the building of a massive explosive event that is going to separate the open minded and the closed minded, those willing to embrace new ways of doing things and those restricted by the old rote order.

Bev and I went to see the movie, “New Years Eve” on Saturday and as a real sceptic when it comes to traditions, I was  keen to see what buttons the movie pushed for me.

I’ll venture this. The message that stayed with me was that all of us need to be able to draw a line on our pasts. And that line conveniently ends on 31 December every year. We need to  create a better present for ourselves, so we set new intentions, expectations, make new promises and allow ourselves to temporarily believe that tomorrow will be different, a brand new year, perfect and infinitely better than last.

Just because of an invisible line!

We all are guilty of judging ourselves and wishing we’d done better, or living more in our truth, taking more risks and being less serious or stressed.

But each tomorrow is just a continuation of our thought patterns and beliefs we hold today. Our futures are held in the present. Each day heralds a brand new beginning if that is our intention. We don’t need to wait for next year, next month, tomorrow, to turn over a new leaf. Actually, we can do that right here, right now. This moment is the beginning of the rest of our lives.

 So I urge you, don’t wait another second. Please don’t wait for the 31^st December when someone is puckering up their lips and uttering a drunken, slurred, “Happy New Year and I hope this year is going to be better than your last.”

Do it right now!

You CAN create the life you want to live and you can do it instantly or not. It’s a choice.

Have a meaningful and introspective festive season  or one of unbridled joy and  frivolity, whichever floats your boat and I look forward to chatting again in 3 weeks time.

Lots of love

Nicolette

Hall Pass

Well now this is a controversial subject!

A few months ago I was exploring my fear of my sweet addiction which was utterly controlling me and following the suggestion of a friend, I threw all caution and FEAR to the wind and indulged myself in a complete guilt-free splurge of sugar, sweets, ice cream, cakes, bread, you name it.

The result: once I removed my self imposed restrictions and freed myself from the fear and the guilt, sugar no longer had a hold on me. I was free. You can read my two blogs to which I refer; 'I'm an Addict', dated 18 July and 'Thanks Muriel', dated 19 September.

In the same vane, I questioned myself about men and my fear of letting go of myself just in case I might fall into "sin".

So, unbeknownst to my husband of 23 years, I explored the option of releasing myself from the fetters of marriage, without fear or guilt or self judgement and opened myself to the possibility of loving others even to the point of it becoming a physical expression.

I remember discussing this new found freedom with one of my friends, who was fascinated as to quite how this was going to play out.

I told her I was not quite sure, but that I certainly felt lighter as I wasn't walking around,weighed down by my shackles of fear. It fascinates me how we self impose restrictions of one love and consume ourselves with fear of adultery or cheating. Why do we do this? Is it because of our old conditioning, our upbringing? I believe that we have more than enough love to give and by giving to another doesn't take anything away from the love we share with our life partner, as long as our intention is to never hurt anyone, as long as our intentions are pure and loving and honouring. How can loving anyone under any circumstances be a sin?

Well, my eyes were opened and with this new found clarity I started to really look at men and notice them for real. I could for the first time really meet their gaze and stare right into their souls. I started to notice that each man I met didn't have the qualities that I so love and appreciate in my husband. I soon realised that the man I am married to is the same person that I still choose to be with and that he has spoilt me for other men, should I ever be on my own.

I am grateful, through releasing my fears, to have found the space to recognise how the man with whom I still live after 25 years, is still the one for me.

How many people get to that amazing discovery, without first losing their love. I used to think hindsight was the best sight, but who needs that when we have all the answers we seek right at our fingertips.

I am so grateful that I gave myself a 'Hall Pass', so that I could cease believing that I was prohibited from engaging with another man for fear of falling into temptation. I realise that my marriage is not an institution but a choice that I still voluntarily make. I am free, free to be me, free of guilt, free of shackles, free of fear. Yay!

The minute I gave myself carte blanche, I no longer felt denied anything, I was filled with a huge overwhelming peace and contentment, an inner knowing that it is unlikely that I would choose to have another partner sexually speaking as long as my husband and I choose to be with each other.

Fear really is the reason we mess up so frequently. Fear creates blockages that wouldn't exist should we choose to live fearlessly. Fear of not being in control. Fear of ones addictions. Fear of being controlled.

And don't forget trust. The highest honour we can bestow upon another being is to trust them. And we need to trust ourselves too. We can only trust in the absence of fear.

So let go of worry and fear and give yourself the gift of trust.

Trust me. It works

Remind yourself how trustworthy you are, how you adore you, how you love yourself. Surround yourself with love.

Have an awesome fearless week

love

Nicolette

Parent or Friend?

I was wondering, " When do our duties as a parent end?" Do we have to parent our children til death us do part or is there a time when we are relinquished from our contract?

I know that I love our children very much and that they do not belong to my husband or myself. I feel that they chose us rather than they were given to us. I also feel that they were sent to us to help us learn as much from them as they will learn from us. So in this discovery, I don't feel I am in charge of them as much as I am the teacher and the student. It feels more to me like a reciprocal relationship.

I do feel that as parents, we have a duty to protect them whilst they are in their small, vulnerable, sensitive bodies, but as they develop to their adult size and maturity, I feel that we need to back off with the constant advice and "Do as I say" attitude and allow them to fight their own battles and make their own choices without judgement.

What age would be reasonable to start letting go of the apron strings probably depends on the individual child, but probably around the time they start becoming confident that they know everything, which we know they don't, but certainly gives us the opportunity to allow them to try and learn from their own experiences.

Will our kids become carbon copies of ourselves? Certainly not. They are their own individual beings. I believe they may model themselves on some of our behaviour they like, choose most definitely not to imitate the behaviour they detest and somehow manage to mimic other behaviours inadvertently without it being cognitive.

I honestly thought that if I brought my kids up with only healthy food options and set a good example by not smoking or drinking excessively, that they would follow my example. How wrong my first expectations turned out to be.

Actually, have we noticed how the minute we set expectations, we set ourselves up for disappointment.

I am not them and they are not me. I'm referring to my sons here.

Being a parent is:
learning to respect our children
giving them space to be who they are
loving them unconditionally whether they're average or below academically, physically challenged, of different spiritual beliefs or different sexual preferences
supporting them through their trials and their triumphs, but not owning them
learning from the times that challenge us because we are staring into the mirror that reflects us in them
knowing when to say sorry
knowing when to back off
not having to be right or perfect
never forcing them to obey us
never inflicting guilt
never measuring how much time, energy or love we have invested
giving without needing anything in return

If I have any regrets in the parenting of my two sons, it would be that I had not mastered unconditional love before I brought them into this world.

I console myself with the fact that not one of us is perfect and therefore we all have lessons to learn from the battles we do with our children, our life partners and ourselves.

So, I guess I am off the hook as far as being the stalwart, pillar of strength and perfect parent, the one who leads by example and has all the answers, which I don't. Our children grow up in spite of their upbringing, in spite of us parents.

I do believe that having reached the age of 19, our relationship to our oldest son has shifted from parent to friend. We should now encourage him to make his own choices. We should be available to make suggestions should he seek our advice and willingly share with him in his experiences whether exciting or hair raising. I would want for our sons to be able to speak to us about anything and not feel afraid of judgement or persecution. We should have an open door policy, one of trust, understanding and caring. And kids will only share with someone who is their friend, not an authoritarian who doesn't spare the rod.

Ever more I am aware that I need to love more and threaten, punish and chastise less.
I need to answer defiance, anger and impatience with acceptance, love and patience because anger feeds anger, impatience feeds more impatience and intolerance feeds yet more intolerance.

I question our old conditioning that says that parents cannot be their children's friends and that we have a responsibility to be the parents even if we are not liked. Why would any of us choose to trust or confide in someone who is not our friend?

I am there for Calvin if he needs me. I would put him first before a friend in need. I am his friend and would hope he trusts me. I look out for him and wish the best for him, grieve for him when he suffers and celebrate with him in his victories. I don't own him, nor do I wish to impose my beliefs on him. I respect and admire him and he is my teacher too.

I enjoy this new stage of his spreading his wings and preparing to fly into adulthood and I welcome the changes that are on his horizon.

So I undo my old conditioning and free myself from the dusty old web of entanglement. My wish is to be a friend and confidante to both my sons, because who doesn't turn to a friend in need? Who doesn't trust a friend with their best kept secrets?

In respect and humility for my new found wisdom

I wish you an awesome week

love
Nicolette