Parent or Friend?

I was wondering, " When do our duties as a parent end?" Do we have to parent our children til death us do part or is there a time when we are relinquished from our contract?

I know that I love our children very much and that they do not belong to my husband or myself. I feel that they chose us rather than they were given to us. I also feel that they were sent to us to help us learn as much from them as they will learn from us. So in this discovery, I don't feel I am in charge of them as much as I am the teacher and the student. It feels more to me like a reciprocal relationship.

I do feel that as parents, we have a duty to protect them whilst they are in their small, vulnerable, sensitive bodies, but as they develop to their adult size and maturity, I feel that we need to back off with the constant advice and "Do as I say" attitude and allow them to fight their own battles and make their own choices without judgement.

What age would be reasonable to start letting go of the apron strings probably depends on the individual child, but probably around the time they start becoming confident that they know everything, which we know they don't, but certainly gives us the opportunity to allow them to try and learn from their own experiences.

Will our kids become carbon copies of ourselves? Certainly not. They are their own individual beings. I believe they may model themselves on some of our behaviour they like, choose most definitely not to imitate the behaviour they detest and somehow manage to mimic other behaviours inadvertently without it being cognitive.

I honestly thought that if I brought my kids up with only healthy food options and set a good example by not smoking or drinking excessively, that they would follow my example. How wrong my first expectations turned out to be.

Actually, have we noticed how the minute we set expectations, we set ourselves up for disappointment.

I am not them and they are not me. I'm referring to my sons here.

Being a parent is:
learning to respect our children
giving them space to be who they are
loving them unconditionally whether they're average or below academically, physically challenged, of different spiritual beliefs or different sexual preferences
supporting them through their trials and their triumphs, but not owning them
learning from the times that challenge us because we are staring into the mirror that reflects us in them
knowing when to say sorry
knowing when to back off
not having to be right or perfect
never forcing them to obey us
never inflicting guilt
never measuring how much time, energy or love we have invested
giving without needing anything in return

If I have any regrets in the parenting of my two sons, it would be that I had not mastered unconditional love before I brought them into this world.

I console myself with the fact that not one of us is perfect and therefore we all have lessons to learn from the battles we do with our children, our life partners and ourselves.

So, I guess I am off the hook as far as being the stalwart, pillar of strength and perfect parent, the one who leads by example and has all the answers, which I don't. Our children grow up in spite of their upbringing, in spite of us parents.

I do believe that having reached the age of 19, our relationship to our oldest son has shifted from parent to friend. We should now encourage him to make his own choices. We should be available to make suggestions should he seek our advice and willingly share with him in his experiences whether exciting or hair raising. I would want for our sons to be able to speak to us about anything and not feel afraid of judgement or persecution. We should have an open door policy, one of trust, understanding and caring. And kids will only share with someone who is their friend, not an authoritarian who doesn't spare the rod.

Ever more I am aware that I need to love more and threaten, punish and chastise less.
I need to answer defiance, anger and impatience with acceptance, love and patience because anger feeds anger, impatience feeds more impatience and intolerance feeds yet more intolerance.

I question our old conditioning that says that parents cannot be their children's friends and that we have a responsibility to be the parents even if we are not liked. Why would any of us choose to trust or confide in someone who is not our friend?

I am there for Calvin if he needs me. I would put him first before a friend in need. I am his friend and would hope he trusts me. I look out for him and wish the best for him, grieve for him when he suffers and celebrate with him in his victories. I don't own him, nor do I wish to impose my beliefs on him. I respect and admire him and he is my teacher too.

I enjoy this new stage of his spreading his wings and preparing to fly into adulthood and I welcome the changes that are on his horizon.

So I undo my old conditioning and free myself from the dusty old web of entanglement. My wish is to be a friend and confidante to both my sons, because who doesn't turn to a friend in need? Who doesn't trust a friend with their best kept secrets?

In respect and humility for my new found wisdom

I wish you an awesome week

love
Nicolette