What is your Fighting Style?

The book I am savouring at the moment, Embracing the Beloved, by Stephen and Ondrea Levine is challenging me to see that even though I try and keep the peace and avoid confrontation I have my own way of doing war.

There are two methods of fighting – aggression and passive aggression. Someone I have always held in high regard is Mahatma Gandhi, who is renowned for the ‘passive resistance’ he practiced. During an interview Gandi said, “There is nothing passive about our resistance. It’s just non-violent.”

You see some of us go out there with clenched fists and lashing tongues, whilst others of us submerge our unfinished business behind clenched teeth, and in our stoic attempts to be tactful, considerate or unhurtful, we silently brew in our anger of omission as we withhold positive compliments, and withdraw from our relationships by constructing invisible, but very tangible walls. 

With our cold indifference we cause sufferance to our persecutors by shutting off the flow of love to them. We allow them to just ‘hang’ for longer than is kind and we manipulate them as we play with their emotions. Passive aggression is aggression in the most devious form.

This residual holding of our anger, resentment and hurt causes our internal chemistry to turn acid. As we suppress the urge to inflict physical harm the war goes on within. The depth charge is set in place as we begin the self-destruct.

Now, I am not advocating that we all go out there and beat our adversaries to a pulp, or murder them with our tongues, but thoughts and feelings are energy and negative energy has to be channelled or transformed or it will cause massive destruction.

If passive aggression is your style of fighting then it is most likely caused by your fear of retaliation. The reason you withhold your tongue is not because you are keeping the peace or being more spiritual, it is merely a foil for your guerrilla warfare.

The way to put an end to the warring is to start noticing how unloving we are with our thoughts and feelings. Catch yourself as you send out missiles of self-righteous judgement, defiance and rage. Don’t suppress those feelings by sending them underground. Allow them to speak to you. Sit with them. Notice your enraged feelings and the desire to see your adversary suffer. Notice how it makes your blood boil.

“Smiling doesn’t always mean you’re happy.

Sometimes it is concealing your anger.”

You need to invite your anger with mercy, compassion and forgiveness. You need to find it in your heart to forgive yourself your frustration and bitterness, for punishing yourself with your self-sabotaging aggression.  

When you can find compassion for yourself you can transform your passive aggression into active compassion, compassion for yourself and compassion for your adversary.

We need to see past our unconscious behaviour, ours and theirs. We need to be able to look into the eyes of our adversaries and see the Beloved. We need to see in each other a fragile soul whose only goal is to be happy and avoid suffering, just like ourselves.

We need to see God in each other.

Have a truly peaceful week!

Love

Nicolette

DAD

It would appear that most of us have father issues, more so than mother issues. It is almost as though there is a universal sadness about the lack of connection we feel with our fathers. Fathers are more prone to experience a tangential, disjointed relationship with their children than mothers, for obvious reasons.

The in-utero bonding that mothers are gifted with, is without doubt, hugely beneficial in catalysing the mother-child connect. Fathers have to make a cognitive commitment and follow this up with consistency to have any chance of fostering a deep and meaningful relationship with their child.

Dads, that you can turn to when you are emotionally raw are the exception. It is the Moms who bear the brunt of our emotional woes. They are the ones who will dig relentlessly until they weed out what is paining you.

As a tribute to the collective pain body I share this…

Dad,

Can you see me?

Not my DNA nor my physical attributes

Can you see my soul’s yearning?

Can you just hear me?

Not what I am saying with my words,

but rather my unspoken feelings?

Can you feel my pain?

Can you offer me a safe space to unburden without judgement?

Could you just hold me in your arms as though there is no tomorrow?

Dad, could you just be there without agenda,

Just because you are my father?

Would you be willing to comfort me when I am hurting?

Will you hold my tears?

Could you?

Without the need to fix or do anything

Would you be prepared to laugh with me until we cry?

Would you listen to my stories,

Without needing to correct them or tell me yours?

Dad, wherever you are

It is not too late

I still have place for you in my heart.

If you have a parent, alive or deceased, or even a lover by whom you feel abandoned or unseen, perhaps this message is for you today. Make space in your heart for this person. It is time to let go of the pain caused by your unmet expectations. Holding onto unresolved sadness is robbing you of your passion and making you ill. Let go because you are safe and secure and loved by your supernatural parent, God. No human relationship will ever come close.

Have a beautiful week.

All my love

Nicolette

This Moment in Time

The human construct of time is the most bizarre thing. It is always running away from us. It never slows down and we are unable to cause it to stop.

The only time we have any influence over is this present moment. It is the confluence or meeting point of all our journeys, experiences, learnings, good or bad up until this present moment. 

Once you have spent time it elusively vaporises into thin air. You cannot beg, trade or buy it back. It literally disappears leaving a shadow of its former self, a shadow that can menace and threaten the present moment with its dark gloom and anguished negativity.

I hear people saying all the time that it is too late to make right their past, or make the necessary changes going forward.

I want to encourage you. There is no time like NOW. This moment is the manifestation of every single past thought, word or deed, and every single event that you have endured. The only place you can correct an imbalance is in the present moment. This moment is all you have.

All of time exists in this present moment. So, make it right, RIGHT NOW.

Don’t delay for another second setting straight a negative past memory with your intentions.

Imagine you are a river. You are in the flow. There is no stopping or getting out of the river. You are constantly and ceaselessly moving. If you find yourself inland there is no way you can go back to the mountain top where you had your Earthly beginnings. Actually who says that was the beginning? Go further back. You rained down from a cloud. You can’t go back there either can you? Going further back, you evaporated from the river or ocean into the clouds. You can’t turn back the clock, but if you relax you will see that it is coming around again. You will flow into the sea. You will evaporate once again and rain down on Earth and so the cycle will repeat into perpetuity.

Can you see? What you were, are and will be again is infinite. There is no beginning and there is no end. Whatever pollutants are floating in your midst, deal with them and throw them out. The debris that became entangled on the banks way back, upstream, bear no relevance to your well-being right now. You passed them days, years perhaps eons ago. Deal with what is relevant in your life right now.

It is never too late to say you are sorry. You can only apologise for something in hind sight after you realise the consequences of your actions. It is never too late, even if the person you wish to apologise to is deceased. Time is not linear. It exists on all levels concurrently. 

When you forgive it is to free yourself from your suffering. You don’t need to wait another second to do that. You can do it right now. All you need do is detach yourself from the memories of the wreckage you left upstream and be your best in this moment.

You are as free as the river. You just don’t see it. It is only the construct of the mind that tells you otherwise. You are not your mind. You are not a slave to your mind’s rantings and memories. You are the essence that endures no matter what path is being followed. 

You are the river, the ocean, water vapour, rain, hail and snow. You are the sum total of all your life experiences. 

Don't judge your experience as good or bad or right or wrong. Have peace in the realisation that wherever and whatever you are in at this moment is not permanent. You’ll be transforming and coming around again.

Have a beautiful week enjoying and savouring this moment in time.

love from my heart

Nicolette

Desire

What is this feeling bristling inside me?

What is this constant gnawing at my mind?

Who is this unseen, nagging predator corroding my peace?

Who are you?

My name is ‘Desire’. I offer you everything you could wish for.

“When we are not aware of this process, we are dragged through life by our senses and we live outside ourselves.”                                                                                        

              -  Embracing the Beloved, Stephen & Ondrea Levine

Desire is a discontented seductress who will lay you down and have her way with you. Desire never wants what he has. He only wants what he does not have.

Desire’s restlessness gets in the way of what she really wants which is peace. She predisposes us for suffering because we are never contented in the simplicity of the moment. He turns up his nose at the real and authentic in his life because of his obsession with fantasy. We are left hanging, expecting, wishing and pining, always waiting for the next better experience.

The great problem with desire is that when it receives its prize, the moment of relief is so short lived. The much anticipated experience lasts for just a fleeting second and then it is gone.

No amount of sex, food, success or intoxicants can satisfy the ‘Great Desire’

Desire’s obsession is to have the feeling of bliss, something you will never manifest externally. This perfect state is found in the infinite, the unmanifest, not in the physical realm through recognition, material gratification, achievement or praise. The peace that surpasses understanding is the freedom you feel when you let go of wanting.

The irony of the situation is that at the precise moment you receive that which you desire, you experience ecstacy because in that short moment you are no longer desirous. But the feeling is short lived because as soon as you get what you hungered for your desire returns. The nagging sensations resume as you strive yet again for the next fix, goal or craving.

An addiction to ‘desire’ is an illusion which causes you to suffer and robs you of peace. None of these substitutes – not food, sex, success nor intoxicants, can replicate the feeling of wholeness you get when you simply accept life as it is.

If you try and suppress your desires, your lust will rob you of your peace, as you long for what you cannot have. Both desiring and resisting desire will deprive you of happiness.

This week, see if you can discern the areas where you are wanting and let them go. Let go of wanting your youth back, coveting some new toy a friend has acquired, obsessing about the life, body, job you don’t have. See if you can just love the life you have been gifted with.

All my love

Nicolette

You know you’re a parent when….

This was the conversation topic on my favourite new radio station, the other day. Needless to say it triggered a trip down memory lane.

The first memory that flashed before my mind was arriving home from a night out with my husband. I had just stripped off all my clothes and was about to jump into the shower when my youngest son, who was only a few months old, yelled out. I ran to his cot and picked him up and he threw up all over me. So, there I was, standing in my birthday suit, spray painted from top to toe in vomit and really in need of that shower.  

I remember attending my oldest son’s nursery school nativity play. He wasn’t a budding actor and loathed being dragged onto the stage. His teacher had bribed him with a present and Calvin had reluctantly agreed to be the back end of Mary and Joseph’s donkey.

I felt quite proud of my son as he and his co-actor, the front end of the donkey, managed to walk the donkey to the crib. The challenge then was that the donkey had to stand by whilst the rest of the nativity - the shepherds, the three wise men and the angels made their entrance.

This was a great test for my son, who has never been very good at standing still. It was December and hence the donkey costume must have been extremely hot. There were muffled giggles from the audience as the back end of the donkey started to fidget and lift one leg to scratch another and after a serious amount of switching from one leg to the other, unable to stand any longer Calvin sat down which caused the front end of the donkey to rear in surprise and tilt backwards rather like a begging dog. The seated, begging donkey had the audience in stitches. Of course the tears were rolling down my cheeks as I tried to suppress my hysteria.

The years have passed by so fast and toy shopping has been replaced with clothes shopping. Dylan and I have a special mom/son bonding ritual of clothes shopping together. However, Dylan has the ability to ‘DO’ an entire shopping mall without buying anything. We can spend hours searching and trying on clothes, with mother racing back and forth switching sizes and finding other combinations that might work. He looks absolutely fabulous in everything he tries on, but at the end of all the travail, he will elect to buy nothing or launch into a huge discussion why I need to buy him the most expensive, trendiest, designer wear.

The debate goes something like this -

Dylan, that is too expensive. 

Mom? It is quality and quality costs.

                                                                                                                 

I can’t afford to spend that much, Dyl                                                                                                                  

Mom, you and Dad have lots of money.                                                                                                                         

We only have money in the bank because we don’t spend it all on expensive clothing.

                     

Well, you wanted children... When I grow up I’m not going to have any children and then I can be selfish and spend lots of money on clothes for myself every month.

Both my sons took turns when they became teenagers to bemoan the fact that our family is dysfunctional and that we are not normal. I actually remember having the self-same conversation with my mom when I was a teenager. After some reflection I turned to my son and remarked that he was actually quite right, because the majority of parents are divorced and the fact that his dad and I are still married after more than a quarter of a century is proof that we are ‘not normal’.

My late Mom-in-law used to say: “When your kids are small they break your back, when they’re big they break your heart.” Perhaps I should add…. “and your bank balance too.”

Perhaps this piece has jogged your memory and you are giggling at the good, the bad and the funny memories you can recall from your past. I’d love to hear them.

Have an excellent week!

All my love

Nicolette