What is your Fighting Style?

The book I am savouring at the moment, Embracing the Beloved, by Stephen and Ondrea Levine is challenging me to see that even though I try and keep the peace and avoid confrontation I have my own way of doing war.

There are two methods of fighting – aggression and passive aggression. Someone I have always held in high regard is Mahatma Gandhi, who is renowned for the ‘passive resistance’ he practiced. During an interview Gandi said, “There is nothing passive about our resistance. It’s just non-violent.”

You see some of us go out there with clenched fists and lashing tongues, whilst others of us submerge our unfinished business behind clenched teeth, and in our stoic attempts to be tactful, considerate or unhurtful, we silently brew in our anger of omission as we withhold positive compliments, and withdraw from our relationships by constructing invisible, but very tangible walls. 

With our cold indifference we cause sufferance to our persecutors by shutting off the flow of love to them. We allow them to just ‘hang’ for longer than is kind and we manipulate them as we play with their emotions. Passive aggression is aggression in the most devious form.

This residual holding of our anger, resentment and hurt causes our internal chemistry to turn acid. As we suppress the urge to inflict physical harm the war goes on within. The depth charge is set in place as we begin the self-destruct.

Now, I am not advocating that we all go out there and beat our adversaries to a pulp, or murder them with our tongues, but thoughts and feelings are energy and negative energy has to be channelled or transformed or it will cause massive destruction.

If passive aggression is your style of fighting then it is most likely caused by your fear of retaliation. The reason you withhold your tongue is not because you are keeping the peace or being more spiritual, it is merely a foil for your guerrilla warfare.

The way to put an end to the warring is to start noticing how unloving we are with our thoughts and feelings. Catch yourself as you send out missiles of self-righteous judgement, defiance and rage. Don’t suppress those feelings by sending them underground. Allow them to speak to you. Sit with them. Notice your enraged feelings and the desire to see your adversary suffer. Notice how it makes your blood boil.

“Smiling doesn’t always mean you’re happy.

Sometimes it is concealing your anger.”

You need to invite your anger with mercy, compassion and forgiveness. You need to find it in your heart to forgive yourself your frustration and bitterness, for punishing yourself with your self-sabotaging aggression.  

When you can find compassion for yourself you can transform your passive aggression into active compassion, compassion for yourself and compassion for your adversary.

We need to see past our unconscious behaviour, ours and theirs. We need to be able to look into the eyes of our adversaries and see the Beloved. We need to see in each other a fragile soul whose only goal is to be happy and avoid suffering, just like ourselves.

We need to see God in each other.

Have a truly peaceful week!

Love

Nicolette