Father and Daughter

As a tribute to all you fathers and daughters out there, I wish to share with you my friend, Rachel’s story.

Rachel was 19 years old and living at home whilst finishing her studies when her mom snooped through her letters and discovered an 'unnatural' attachment between Rachel and another woman. Her late dad, who was a priest in the local church was informed and showed his horror and absolute rejection of the news by placing Rachel in almost solitary confinement. She was driven to college and fetched by her dad daily and all her ties with friends were cut.  No letters that arrived for her were passed on to her. She had no means of communication with anyone.

Rachel spent her time holed up in her bedroom. There were no discussions, nor was she encouraged to share her feelings. How was she meant to suppress the feelings she had for another woman? Was she to deny and compromise herself in order to satisfy her father’s ego and his fear of rejection by his parishioners and peers? She was isolated and alone.

Previously she had shared such a close relationship with her father and now, because of her sexuality, over which she had absolutely no control, she found herself completely scorned and banished from her father’s love.

Rachel confided that her older brother had known of her secret for three years and had advised her never to tell her dad because he would never accept it. So her relationship was already 'underground' and very discrete; as these things had to be in the early 70s.

One Saturday evening, six months after her mom’s invasion and betrayal, her father tapped on her bedroom door and asked if he could speak to her. Rachel barked at him through the door and demanded to know whether he wanted to have a discussion and hear her or whether he just wanted to preach to her. Her father told her he'd confided in a close friend about the issue and now saw it from a very different standpoint - that if it didn't hurt anyone else, no love could ever be wrong. Rachel reluctantly opened the door. She gave him only 20 minutes to say what he wanted and warned him that if he started telling her the same stuff about being an unnatural abomination, she’d leave and that he would never see her ever again. During a three-hour discussion, she promised total discretion because she understood that otherwise her father's position would be compromised; she asked for understanding and acceptance as a person and as his daughter. After all, she was the same person she'd been all along. None of that had changed, but all aspects of her were being condemned because of one that wasn't 'right' in someone else's book.

In closing their discussion, he asked what he could do to demonstrate that he was truly sorry. Rachel had one request of her father that would prove that she could once again trust their relationship. She asked him to preach about David and Jonathan in the next day’s sermon. And he did. If you’re unfamiliar with this story, read it for yourself in 1 Samuel Chapters 14 to 20.

Even though this was one of the most hurtful times in Rachel's life, I do believe it was a blessing. If Rachel’s secret had not been exposed her father would have gone to the grave unchallenged by his conditional love. He would never actually have known his daughter and she would always have harboured doubts. “What would Dad have thought if he really knew me? Would he still have loved me?” She would never have known. And she would have felt the keen loss of him even in his presence.

Luckily for Rachel, both she and her father had the opportunity to face their fears, even though at the time it was painful. Rachel had the opportunity to see her dad in his weakest moment and he saw her in hers. They managed to put aside their egos and rebuild a father/daughter bond that surpassed their previous love. Rachel spent some beautiful time with her dad before he passed away and she is one of the lucky ones who can honestly say that she truly had a father. He believed Freud's theory that what children need is love and discipline. For a short while in a very long relationship, he was a little long on discipline and short on love. Rachel sees that time as an honest mistake.

Today, wherever you are and wherever you stand, I encourage you to confess your secrets, face your fears and speak your truth even if it hurts. Only the truth can set us free and heal the barriers we have built against love.

This week my prayer for you is that you release yourself from the barriers you have built against your own love.

All my love because love is all there is

Nicolette