I Release my Fears

I have been protecting myself for way too long, afraid to feel suffering, afraid to show emotion, afraid to drop my mask.

I have been living in an emotion-free, padded cell, of my own making.

I have been sooo happy, in fact too happy, that at times I felt uncomfortable in my skin, as though, if I were to feel just one more iota of happiness, I would literally burst and spill my guts.

I was becoming increasingly aware of this need to cry to release the huge pressure I felt from all my pent up happiness.

Now this might sound really bizarre to you, but I have been begging dance teachers to do a class or a workshop to induce me to tears through dance. I was wishing to dance until I sobbed. But no one would step up to the plate to take the challenge. Admittedly, it is a bit of a weird request, as most normal people want to be transported into great realms of abounding happiness, releasing endorphins and feel good hormones. Perhaps the perception is that no one else would pitch for a class like that. Perhaps it is fear of embarking on a journey of unleashing skeletons, undealt with issues and baggage.

It's really funny how I have been receiving physical signs all year, which have been pointing me to my truth. Those of you who have been reading my weekly inspirational letters, know how many struggles I've had with flooding, water leaks, plumbing leaks, burst geysers, roof leaks, neighbours trying to block my outlet pipes, punctured and ruptured irrigation pipes, you name it. Even the jacuzzi we had built, new, leaked like a sieve when we filled it for the first time.

There were just too many similar occurrences for it to be coincidence.

Everything has been pointing towards emotional build up, build up to the point of bursting.

So, how did I get to the point that helped me to release my fears? What was the push that I was so craving?

I was most fortunate to attend Richard Higgins' Shamanic Constellations workshop last week and the theme was 'Seeing and Being seen'. It was here that I was able to recognise and see my own self made pattern of protection. I  became aware that I had not been fully present thus far. I was always busy formulating my next response, instead of listening and hearing what someone was saying.

I was seeing and listening with my peripheral eyes and ears like the man in the Cremora advert.      
How often have we gone to the fridge to look for something and even when it is staring us right in the face, we don't and can't see it. "It's not inside, it's on top!"


Over the three days of the workshop, I was reminded to listen to the spaces between and the silences behind the words, to become cognitive of the silent signals like body language. I hadn't learned the freedom of being fully aware and fully present. I needed to see like the Na'vi tribe in the movie 'Avatar, with the eyes of my heart and not my peripheral eyes. I needed to literally drop my mask. And so in the safety of the wonderful light workers present, I was able to consciously release my fears and cry. I had my first cry from the heart on Wednesday and I have continued to access my tears daily and  it really feels great. I feel that I have awoken from a half century sleep. It's quite funny that Sleeping Beauty was my favourite childhood Fairy Story.

So as I dry my tears, having released my fears, I find that I am now free to be me.

I feel!
I hear!
and I see!

May you too choose to not just look, but SEE and be seen.

I see you

love
Nicolette