With or Without You

U2’s ‘With or Without You’ was playing on the radio yesterday and the lyrics really caught my attention. I had a moment to reflect on the craziness of relationship and how it can take you to a place that feels as real as lying on a bed of nails or as treacherous as enduring the worst kind of storm. It has the power to leave you feeling bruised or as though your hands are tied. Nothing can take you to the highest of highs and then rip your heart out and reduce you to the lowest of lows like relationship can.

When the chorus played: “I can’t live with or without you.” I found myself questioning the paradox. Bono belts out: “You give it all, but I want more.”

Isn’t it ironical that at the outset of a relationship we seem to be wired for failure? We have such high expectations of one another with our relentless neediness. If we were to stand back and observe our unconscious behaviour we would be astounded.

Relationship is rather like observing two people who are arm wrestling. It is not apparent who is doing the pushing and who is doing the resisting. The two opposing forces just nullify each other. So, both parties become paralysed, both with hands tied, unable to move, unable to live with the other, unable to live without the other.

It is my belief that these entanglements are caused by people who don’t love themselves. They search for others to complete them, fulfil them and make them happy because they aren’t inwardly happy or content.

When we operate from this space of neediness we play cat and mouse with each other. We are always waiting for the other to make the first move or for the other to reciprocate our generosity. 

Oh, how we give our power away. We set ourselves up for disappointment time and again with our expectations and desired outcomes, unable to allow ourselves to go with the enchanting flow of the moment.

In our need to control we are unable to find happiness and all expectation of love disintegrates.

The lyrics invite us “and you give yourself away, and you give yourself away, nothing left to lose…”

We fight and fight and fight against the flow until hanging on is just way too exhausting and we finally surrender with nothing left to lose only to discover that in giving up the fight we have gained absolute freedom.

The sublime irony is that there never actually was anything to lose. What we resisted and pushed against was just a figment of our imaginations and an absolute nothingness.

How much energy do you waste over nothing? Do you cause yourself untold self-manifested stress and suffering?

Guaranteed – You are the clog in your relationship.  Let go of needing to have things ‘your way’ and I bet you’ll start manifesting greater enjoyment, spontaneity and fun.

Have a fabulous week!

Love

Nicolette

A Glass of Water

My Dad sent me this story and I thought it worth sharing.

A presenter used a glass of water to demonstrate how your holding onto stress can have a deleterious effect on you.

She held a glass of water in her hand and invited her audience to guess how heavy the glass and its contents were. She remarked that the exact weight was immaterial. What was of consequence was how long she held the glass for. If she held it for a few minutes before putting it down, she would most likely not even notice the weight of the glass. If she held it in her hand for an hour she would probably experience a cramp in her arm. If she were to hold onto the glass for an entire day she may need medical assistance.

You see the weight of the glass is not the issue. The issue is how long you hold onto it. The longer you hold onto anything, the heavier it gets.

Unforgiveness is exactly like that. The clinging to a past memory with all its associated negative feelings is the cause of such self-made suffering. This continued grasping at the past and holding it in the present is the ruin of every potential happy moment. Holding onto something you had no control over destroys the quality of your life. It exhausts you, weakens your immune system and makes you depressed.

You do not have to be a victim to your mind. Your mind does not rule you. Your past does not define you. It happened the way it happened, but it is your choice how you respond or react to it.

Your obsession with needing to examine, explain and justify your past are the most destructive weapons in corroding your joy. Your thoughts are just thoughts. They don’t cling to you. It is you who clings to them as if in some way they give you credibility.

Just imagine for a moment that you are holding that glass of water in your hand right now. If you open your hand the glass will fall to the floor won’t it? The glass is not attached to you. It is you who has attached yourself to it. Well, think of that glass as representative of your darkest thoughts, resentment, anger or whatever comes to mind. You may like to do this exercise with a less dangerous object like a pen or a stone.

Now ask yourself: “Could I let go of this negative thought?” It is a possibility, right? It is as easy as opening your hand and allowing the object to fall to the floor.

Secondly ask yourself:  “Would I be prepared to let go of this negative thought?” This is your power card, the power of choice.

And thirdly ask yourself:“When?” If not now, then when?How much longer do you wish to suffer? When would you like to be free?

Give yourself the gift of love today and let go of all your burdens, imagined and otherwise. 

If you have the power to change your circumstances, do. If you can’t change them use the power you do have to accept them and let go of the need to judge everything as good or bad, right or wrong. Let go of needing to justify and defend.

Today, find your peace in simply letting go because You CAN.

All my love

Nicolette

Dream

I have been receiving messages from all over the place encouraging me to pursue my dreams. I saw the movie about Walt Disney’s life and was so inspired by the brilliant man that Disney was. He suffered such hardship as he bashed against some pretty tough walls in his attempt to make a success of his cartoon movie strips.

The profound thing that resonates for me is Walter’s desire to help humanity and make a difference. He shared with his aunt as a child that he thought he needed to do something worthwhile like joining the Red Cross in the 2^nd World War. His wise aunt told him that his drawing had the power to transform peoples’ lives and make them happy, and that too was helping people.

If Walt had given up after each rejection and defeat, humanity would never have benefitted from the empire that he later went on to build. There were numerous times when Disney had no money for food or rent. He lost his apartment and moved his bed into his office. His employees all left him to find greener pastures which paid. 

Walt had a dream and the dream never went away. The final straw was when all his family members upped and left to settle in California where the weather was more favourable for his brother’s health. Walter, in a moment of what looked like defeat, packed it in, pawned his cameras and all his possessions and followed his family to Hollywood. The rest is well known history.

You see! The door was open, but he wasn’t open to see it. He was trying so hard to force his will and make it happen the way he envisioned it to happen. How often do we try and Trojan on and fight the circumstances that are signalling a closed door? We are so stubborn as we cling fearfully to our conditioned ways.

The lesson for me is that we need to stand back. We need to believe in our dream and commit to it, but we need to hand over the outworking of it to the Divine.  

Our ears and eyes need to remain attuned for the subtle signs that present themselves. Whether these coincidences or signs present themselves in the form of quotes from literature, movies, nature, gifts, advice from friends, change in circumstances or whatever, they are all working together to shepherd us in the direction of our open door.

So often our dream takes us along another strange and not so obvious route, but in hindsight we will always look back in wonder at how incredibly important each of the detours and set backs were in informing us and growing us in the culmination of our dream.

So my lesson to myself today is this:

1. Keep up the faith

2. Be brave

3. Be open to receive

4. Think more laterally

5. Get creative.

6. Study and learn. (The old method of trying to force it to happen my way will continue to have me ramming my head against the same old closed doors.)

Here’s to you trusting your intuitive powers and sticking to your dreams, this week!

All my love

Nicolette

P.S. Join me for my FORGIVENESS WORKSHOPS which start this Saturday 9 May. View the details on my website www.nicolettelodge.com or contact me via e-mail on nicolette@forgiftyourself.com